Dear MIA: like, WTF?

Considering I’m a tiny white girl who owned a bright pink Limited Too card and the Saved By The Bell board game growing up, most wouldn’t consider me an authority on rap music. But I am. Like, if you sat me down with Jay Z, Lil Wayne, Kanye, Nas, Rick Ross or Ja Rule (you know, the greats) I guarantee we would have the most intellectually stimulating conversation. Those skanks at the View would be all “we WISH our Hot Topics looked like that summit of Rap Genius!” It would be intense, and after we’d probably pop bottles and go gorilla and wear Margiela and then Ross would be like “Katie you’re the new head of Maybach Music” and I’d be all “Ross you crazy” and then we’d light a cigar and ride off in a Maybach. Or something like that.

Anyways, the point of that scenario is that I can hold my own when it comes to hip-hop. And because of that, I think I need to ask the question we’re all wondering- like, WTF MIA?

I’ve really tried so hard, but I just don’t get you anymore. I might be because I’m not cool enough, or relevant or edgy enough but honestly, WHAT IS YOU? Remember when Paper Planes came out? That was EVERYONE’s shit. There wasn’t one person that didn’t throw their handz up and act out the lyrics when that song came on.

Then when Jay Z, Kanye, Lil Wayne and T.I. sampled the beat for Swagga Like Us, you basically took over the world. I mean, I’ve never wanted to be anyone more than you during that Grammy performance. Even at like 19 months pregnant, you still just radiated cool to such a ridiculous degree that it was almost tangible. It was, at that moment in my apartment drinking boxed wine, that I knew I wanted to A) be a female rapper and B) be able to pull off polka dots. (Still working on the polka dots thing).

But somewhere between that moment and this new song- something changed.

WTF WTF WTF WTF MIA? I don’t know if it was having a child, your break up with your fiancee, that whole truffle fries incident or just lyfe but honestly, what is this?

My chain hits my chest /When I’m banging on the dashboard /My chain hits my chest /When I’m banging on the radio

No it doesn’t MIA. No. It. Doesn’t. Only Gucci Mane can possibly have a chain so powerful and absurdly huge that it hits your chest when you’re merely banging on the radio. UGH I JUST CAN’T MIA.

I mean seriously though, are you now a hardcore rapper? Are you a political activist? Are you a middle finger enthusiast? Are you a bad gurl? Are you still a truffle fries hater?

When you figure it out, lemme know. I’ll just be on the corner, workin on my swagga and my polka dots.