You know how you have that one friend that you’re always constantly worried about- the one you nervously smile or laugh around when they scream “just one more shot of tequila! I swear I’m like not even drunk!” and you bite your tongue because they’re 24 and you don’t need to be a babysitter.  But then there’s that one night when you see her talking to a Pauly Shore look-alike in the corner of the bar and that’s it- you have to intervene because ENOUGH IS E-FUCKING-NOUGH.  Well that’s how I felt when I saw OK Magazine’s cover this week; I knew it was finally time to stage an intervention.  And here’s what I have to say about the situation:

1.       Stop having babies- like dammit! How hard is this?

Leah I’m really lookin at you.  How in the HELL are you pregnant again?  You’ve had too many reunion shows with Dr. Drew to not know what contraception is.  I know, it’s hot down there in Alabama and it’s hard enough to keep sleeves on, much less a condom but I think the fact that you live in a trailer with wood paneling should really be enough of a wake-up call that teen pregnancy is NOT cute.  I don’t care if you are in love, when wood paneling is involved, you should never repeat anything that got you to that spot in your life.

2.       Stop getting your nails/hair done

One day I played a drinking game to the first season of Teen Mom where I took a shot every time I saw a new nail design or a new hair color/style.  I was David Hasselhoff drunk by the middle of the second episode.  It’s like every time these bitches turned around they had bangs, or blonde hair, or Bronx nails!  And all they did was complain about how they’re struggling with money.  Hey- here’s a crazy idea (and it may be radical so sit down) maybe like, save your money or something and skip the salon this week?  I don’t know, it’s just a suggestion.  I mean, I’m childless with a full time job and I can barely afford real Mac & Cheese!  Someone explain this to me.  Please.

3.       Stop Janelle.  Just stop.

For those of you who watch the show, I don’t think I really need to elaborate on this one.  For everyone else, she just bailed her boyfriend Keifer out of jail.  Oh what’s that?  What’s a Keifer?  Exactly.

4.       Finally- I’m nervous this will soon be your daughter:

So please Teen Mom & Teen Mom 2, I’m begging you- stop.  Once you start poising for magazine covers announcing your second marriage and third baby, and you’re not even old enough to share some boxed wine with your 95 year old neighbor yet, you need to get a real serious grip on your life.