I don’t know if it’s lack of sleep due to a newfound obsession with online Family Feud, or all the homeless people I’ve been hanging out with at the pizza place around the corner from my apartment, but I’ve been getting sick a CRAY-CRAY amount this fall/winter.  And since I don’t believe in seeing doctors aside from Dr. Oz, this has left me tending to my illness alone.  It’s also left me constantly losing my voice, which I thought was a blessing in disguise.  I mean, normally I sound like a twelve year old, but with this hoarse voice I was all “look at me, I’m edgy and might have a nicotine addiction!” 

Anyways, here I was walking around thinking I was seducing customer service reps and Starbucks baristas by the sentence until my friend snapped me back to reality when I called him the other day.

“What’s wrong with your voice?”   

“What do you mean?  I lost it.  It’s sexy right?”

“No.”

“No? Don’t I sound like Lindsay Lohan?”

“I don’t think anyone would consider Lindsay Lohan sexy right now.”

BAM.  What…a wake up call.  With this conversation I realized what was wrong with mine and Lindsay’s relationship.  I was stuck in a 2004 bubble, where Lindsay Lohan was in her Mean Girls prime, and she WAS sexy.  That I know as sure as I know Courtney Stodden is an angel.  But that isn’t the present- that isn’t Lindsay Lohan circa 2011: the yellow teeth, mugshot hall of fame HOTT MESS that has become a joke to everyone.  What a fool I was!

This point was only further pointed out to me by younger sis, Ali Lohan’s delusional Page Six interview that came out today.  Here are some highlights:

Ali on plastic surgery rumors:

“I was cracking up. Because, like, when would I do that? I’m 17 years old. That’s not legal! I would need my mother’s signature, and do you think my mom would ever sign off on that? No!”

Ali on HUGS NOT DRUGS:

“I just say no. I’m lucky enough that I had my sister to learn from. I’ve seen people do it to her, so I’ve learned to be like, ‘That’s stupid, no.’ I admire how strong she is. That’s why Lindsay and me are so close, because we’re able to talk about those things together.”

OH HELLLLLL NO GURL.  Look, it was okay for me to view Lindsay, your mom and your family as a whole in an unrealistic way because S Club 7 is still my ringtone, but YOU LIVE THERE.  You need to be smarter sista! 

Firstly, “do you think my mom would ever sign off on that? No!” UM YES I DO.  Your mom is a role model to Bernie Madoff and every mom on Toddlers & Tiaras.  So yes, I do think she’d allow you to Lisa Rinna your face.

Then “I’ve seen people do it to her, so I’ve learned to be like, ‘That’s stupid, no.’ I admire how strong she is.”  Ali, I’m going to tell you something and it might shock you so maybe you better sit down: Lindsay isn’t a role model and she’s not strong.  Strong would’ve been to say no to “I Know Who Killed Me.”

UGH I can’t handle this.  This is like finding out that the Easter Bunny wasn’t real last year.  My whole WORLD is crashing down.  I’m going to go drown my sorrows at my friend’s work party, where I hopefully won’t end up asleep in someone’s office.