I don’t know if it’s because I recently became addicted to the espresso machine at work or because I’ve been listening to way too much 2 Chainz but I have had the hardest time sleeping lately. This was the case the other night, and instead of trying to self-medicate my way into a blissful slumber, I got lost in Tumblr for approximately 4 hours. It was 4:27am by the time I snapped out of it and realized that I had to be at work in 4 hours, but what I got so caught up in was some post about relationships and why some do and don’t work. I couldn’t find it again if I tried (I was really out there, I’m telling you) but their message was that in order to have a successful relationship, you need to find someone who completes you, someone who fills an irreplaceable void that you can’t imagine anyone else filling. What a load of fuckery! And usually I’d just shrug off my difference of opinions, but I feel like this is an idea that’s hurting women my age (mid/late twenties) in their “daunting” quest for that special someone. Before you call me a cynic, let me explain.
At my very core, I’m a romantic. I love the idea of love. I had the blessing of falling in love at a young age, growing up with someone and ultimately getting my heart broken all before my 18th birthday. I call it a blessing because it showed me two things: 1) love is real, and when it’s real it’s wonderful and 2) that even when it hurts and it fucking sucks, you will survive. You will dust yourself off, you will move on and you will love again. No heart is too small to get broken by just one person.
But as I’ve gotten older and fallen in love again, broken hearts and been in and out of complicated relationships, I’ve come to realize something extremely important: You cannot be with the person you’re supposed to be with, until you become the person you’re supposed to be.
Here’s what I mean by that. A boyfriend/girlfriend should not be someone you depend on to help you become complete. When you put that kind of pressure on someone, the relationship is bound to crack. You begin to hold them to unrealistic expectations that you both know they can never meet, no matter how hard they try. And every time they do fail (which they inevitably will because we’re all human), bitterness and resentment towards the other person grows. But it’s very misguided bitterness and resentment. Because the bottom line is, no one else in this entire world make you whole. Only you can.
Which is why I get so angry at women telling other women that they need to find someone to complete them, or that real love is “finding your missing puzzle piece.” Nobody – and I mean NOBODY, no matter how straight up batshit crazy they seem – has an incomplete puzzle. You’re born with all the pieces, but it’s up to you to take the time to love yourself and understand yourself in order to put them together. And when that happens, you’ll find someone who enjoys the completed picture just as much as you.
So hey, don’t give up. It’s a process, but it’s worth it. And in the meantime, there’s always 2 Chainz. And vodka.