Like words cannot describe how much I need this
(thanks @BryanJustSaid)
#onrepeat
Big Ang, you are the wind beneath my wings
When I was growing up, I was convinced that Judge Judy was more powerful than the president, the Pope or Tom Cruise and that she basically ran the world. I had never seen someone who could silence people, cut them down and destroy their hopes and dreams with one look. It was beautiful. I mean, the only other women on daytime television I had to look up to were Rosie O’Donnell and Sally Jesse Raphael, and that was just NOT gonna fly. How was I supposed to idolize someone who had the same glasses as Mr. Magoo? Like damn Sally Jesse! And not only that, but Judge Judy did this all while wearing white lace under her robe and I respected the shit out of that. It said yea, I may be telling you that you’re the biggest loser I ever met, but I’m still a fashionable lady, you know?
Anyways, I thought J square was going to be my number one homegirl 4 lyfe until I saw the beautiful angel that was BIG ANG
LIKE COME ON. If you don’t love this woman just by looking at her then I don’t want to even know you. Okay okay I know, I might be a little biased because Mob Wives is my favorite show ever in the history of television- I mean anytime I see anyone get this irrationally angry about crumbs, I’m SOLD.
Big Ang can be summed up in three words:
Plastic
By my approximation, Big Ang has had 94 plastic surgeries and counting. One of her boobs is the size of my 2 year old cousin and I’m worried for the safety of others when those things aren’t harnessed properly. But honestly- we should actually applaud her for being so forward-thinking: if she ever finds herself drowning, she has multiple built in floatation devices, like her ta-tas and her lips. So there’s that.
Alcohol
I’m pretty sure Big Ang’s blood is actually Bloody Mary.
Wiseguys
“I like the wiseguys because they know how to treat women. They bought me nice houses, gorgeous furs, diamonds, cars, they’re very generous and very good looking.” OMG JUST ADOPT ME/BE MY BEST FRIEND ALREADY.
Guys, if Big Ang doesn’t get her own spinoff show then I quit life. She’s the woman I never knew (okay I always knew) I wanted to be. I have learned more about love, friendship, forgiveness and the Ukraine in the short time I’ve known her than in all my 23 years of life. If you need me, I’ll be out finding a wiseguy and getting my Big Ang tattoo.
#RIP Seal&Heidi
The day I realized Fez was evil
Happy Friday party people, or as my mother would say, people who like to get jiggy with it. I apologize for not blogging more this past week, I’ve spent most of my time celebrating Martin Luther King Jr day by listening to Soulja Boy and Gucci Mane, because they are exactly what I imagine MLK Jr pictured as the future of youth when he gave his I Have A Dream speech.
Now, I don’t know about you guys, but I usually have at least one huge revelation every day. For example, yesterday I realized that Mandy Moore circa 1999 is one of my soul sisters. Why? Um, really didn’t expect to need a reason but for one, when I got my license I wanted a green bug. I mean now, obviously I realize that’s not a logical vehicle choice, but back then VW Bugs were what’s up. Secondly I also imagined that I’d meet my dream guy in a diner while me and my friend were casually sipping water. And lastly, I always had a weird attraction for dance sequences in skate parks while dudes skateboarded around me. Basically, that candy video is a representation of my pre-teens hopes and dreams, and therefore we are soul sisters.
But today I had the revelation of all revelations. I was casually reading some blind items when I saw one posting about a Disney star who just got out of rehab and was telling the public how happy and sober she was, BUT secretly she was relapsing into bad habits again. Because I’m bad ass at Blind Items, I immediately I knew this had to be Demi Lovato. Yet unlike other blind items, this one hit me hard. Like, WTF Demi? Relapsing and some shit again- what would make you do this? As Tyra Banks would say WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU! But then that’s when my revelation hit me and I knew exactly who was behind this:
Just like the saying “behind every good man is a good woman” should be “behind every mental, physical and emotional breakdown is WILMER.” Let’s first look at Lindsay Lohan- who was she dating right AFTER her Mean Girls peak, and right BEFORE she picked up SaMANtha Ronson and became the hott mess we all know and love? WILMER. And now Demi- this chick used to be one, big Dr. Drew episode, struggling with weight issues and substance abuse. But then she completed rehab and came back to Hollywood all “I’m the healthiest” and everyone was like hell yea Demi! Unfortunately she wasn’t safe long because who did she see as soon as she got out? YOU KNOW WHO. And now the bitch is rumored to be back into all her bad habits again.
I MEAN COME ON GUYS! THIS ISN’T ROCKET SCIENCE. Wilmer to young Hollywood stars is like that one asshole kid in kindergarten that, while everyone else is building a block tower, comes up and puts just ONE more block on top and the whole friggin tower crumbles. Like dammit! Even Stevie Wonder knew this shit couldn’t hold anymore. So Wilmer, on behalf of all single, stable women out there- stop knocking down our block towers. Just because you have to live as “the guy who played Fez on That 70s Show” doesn’t mean we all have to suffer with you.
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