The Dopeness

Ladies, thank me later

My friends and I love dating sites.  Like, if we could date dating sites, we would.  But not to really find a boyfriend or anything, but more because it provides the most amazingly awkward and incredibly hilarious encounters we’ve ever had.  And every girl out there who’s ever joined one knows exactly what I’m talking about.  For example, I had a lot of dates with dudes that I’m pretty sure are actually extras for The Hobbit, and considering the only dwarves/elves I’ve ever dealt with are of the Keebler variety, I was NOT prepared for that shit. 

But lately we’ve been in a dating site lull.  And we were just about ready to throw the towel in on this chapter of our lives and start going to antique shows, when my friend stumbled upon THIS. 

At first, I didn’t know what to do with myself.  Was this a joke?  Was it real?  If so, how does one get a boat in NYC?  Would my hair look good on the open seas?  Would I ever find that Hot Pocket I started eating in my bed the other night?  Once I settled down and started reading the site a little further, I realized this was in fact real, and my life was in fact complete.  Let’s take a look at some of the winners:

Boat?  Check.  Fishing Poles?  Check.  Bait?  Check.  S&M lover who hopefully owns scissors?  :( nope.

Finally a PopEye that doesn’t want that skinny skank Olive!  Ladies, if you have some extra cushion for the pushin, love to be wined, dined, entertained and can handle a condo (!!!) and a jacuzzi (!!!) on a boat, hit my boy up.  But, only if you’re serious.  For real.  Be serious.

If this doesn’t say “marry me” I don’t know what does!  Also someone had to think of this username eventually, right? 

Seahawk, the only thing I trust is that you will always be creepily staring at me from across the room, over someone else’s shoulders, quietly calculating which ocean they could never find me in.

Ah, and they said romance is dead.

“We thought Thurman ova there havin’ a seizure, turns out he just excited about nature.”